state of confusion
June 23, 2013, 1:45 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , ,

I live abroad for nearly two years, but going back to my homeland soon. With my return approaching, and the all the uncertainties of my next chapter of life, I started to feel very confused a couple of weeks ago. Confused and vulnerable. It struck me that a summer with the people I love is so much more important than squeezing the last bit out of this. I could have had that had I decided to move earlier. More so, it is dawning on me that I need support right now, need support to regain strength and clarity after a challenging period abroad. Regretting my decision to move back only after the summer, my anxiety stirred up. From feeling so stable and strong, to feeling so utterly confused and weak in no time. Fuck.

At last I found strength to meditate and in meditation I started to see some meaning to this intense challenge – to practice staying open also when it hurts. My ego keeps wanting to run away from the present moment, finding distractions of any kind. But no – stay in the now, feel it, stay open. Staying open in the midst of pain, that’s practice.

More insights dawned on me. It became clear that my decision was solely based on Me, My journey, encompassing the things I “need” to do here before I leave. How selfish! There are people around me whom I affect, I didn’t seriously consider their wishes. Also, I never consciously critically looked at my plan once I started to feel that it wasn’t optimal.

At last my love helped me see some of these things more clear yesterday. It hurt me deeply to see how much I hurt her by being apart, but it was also a relief to feel her vulnerable heart. With an intense feeling of aliveness in my system throughout the day, both worry, sadness and some kind of lightness, I decided to quit as soon as possible. For me, for her, for us. And to be able spend quality time with the rest of my family. Relief!

I hope I will learn from this experience when life challenges me in the future.


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