ego battle
May 27, 2013, 5:49 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I’m experiencing a battle between my deeper core and my ego shell.

As I am moving back to my home town in a few months after five years elsewhere in the world, tuning into my deeper core, I feel that it is longing to face the unknown, test my boundaries, explore my depth and explore ways in which I can serve.

It is scary as fuck.

Thus I see how my ego shell attacks this longing with all its fears. Fear of failing. Fear of being judged. Fear of not being respected. Fear of losing my strength. Fear of losing my grip of mother earth. Fear of being confused and depressed, of losing my friends. And I see how the creapy ways of the ego seeks to cast doubt on myself, telling me that I’m not good enough, I can’t do it, I don’t have the skills, the maturity, the courage.

I’m really grateful for the moments that I can see this relatively clearly (in meditation/evening reflection) and I’m really grateful for the moments when I really sense this longing. It is as if my deep core knows that ‘I’ have to go and explore that, it simply knows.

But there are also moments of utter confusion. Is this “deep longing” simply a selfish way for myself to keep my freedom while exploring lots of cool stuff? And could it be that my fears are really sending a signal that I am not quite ready to surrender to the unknown yet, that I need to settle a little bit first? Settle my intimate relationship, settle my friendships, settle physically in my home town while I allow my ‘purpose’ to crystalise?

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