I’ve been doing some deep practices with my tantric partner, Miss T, serving each other to grow, pushing each other’s limits beyond our comfort zones. She’s absolutely gorgeous.
One night Miss T let a sexual anecdote of hers slip. It was nothing, it happened 15 yrs ago, but it triggered a deep jealousy in me. I turned away from her but couldn’t sleep. Thoughts running through my mind, pulse increasing. Eventually I remembered – do the opposite, so I turned to her and tried to give her love.
The following day I told her our next exercise: to share every bit of our sexual past, every detail. I could tell by her reaction that she was doubting if I could handle it and I started doubting too, but I felt it had to be done.
She told her story. I asked questions when I needed more detail. It Burnt! I tried to stay with it, tried to continue loving her, tried my best to not judge her, but oh so painful.
I shared my story. Again deep pain. Seeing how often, throughout most of my life, I have been saying NO to life: I was probably afraid of failing, thus chosing not to engage; afraid of hurting her; afraid of what people would think of me. So ridiculous! Yet I chose the safety of not getting involved in another person. Eventually when I did started engage with women, I often let them go before committing, chosing my freedom instead of the depth of love.
After a while I realized that I had only exposed the boy that I had been; shedding that, I could more fully incarnate the man I am now. And no matter how painful the truth of her past, it was better than believing my imagination.
I”m starting to realise this is a gift, it is a gift to be able to feel, and it is a gift to touch the edge of what I can handle. Yes, this feeling touched my edge, to the point that I’ve been doubting whether I can handle it altogether, that perhaps it will continue haunting me.
I’m committed to transcend this jealousy. The jealousy blocks my spiritual growth. I could ignore this whole issue, but I could not grow then. To live FULLY, to live in LOVE, is all I am interested in. So I’ll keep this practice going until I can look her in the eyes and honestly and from the deepest of my heart express my gratitude about all the sex she’s had in her life.
Last night another perspective on this developed in me. Sure, I still need to practice on this, let it burn through, but I also want to transcend it altogether. Not feed energy to the jealousy. Transcend it. Just give her love instead. Past does not exist anymore. Miss T does not want a jealous wanker, I don’t want to be a jealous wanker. I want to give love, not feed my ego.
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