what do you need to do before you die?

“What do you need to do before you die, so that you can die absolutely complete?”

-David Deida

Three  years ago, on the surface, my life seemed quite good. A beautiful girlfriend, a decent job, good health, friends etc. Underneath, I felt intense emotional pain for not knowing my direction in life, not being on any path. The pain was so excrutiating that, even on a beautiful sunny day with my girlfriend, my sences were numbed. My vision was blurred, touch unsensitive and hearing blocked. Kind of like an heavy flu, but worse. Knowing that they were physical responses to my psychological state was fucking scary.

I’m a life time away from that stage now. I feel ridiculously alive. One side of the aliveness is incredibly intriguing, inspiring, and powerful, the other is as scary as anything: I’m starting to get in touch with my deeper purpose. Although it’s been within arm’s reach, I have been unable to see it as I see it today: I have a desire to contribute to spiritual growth. I can feel it. Anything else feels like wasting my time, unless I am working towards that.

Virabadrasana - the Warrior pose

Just the idea of really devoting myself to that makes my nerves tremble. If I am devoted to it I must open myself fully, to my family and friends and to everyone. People might judge me, they might not believe in me. I might fail. Relationships might end. I might lose the energy to keep on going. I might lose touch with my roots. Fuck it’s scary!

Meanwhile, anything but working towards That feels very mediocre, like I’m wasting my life, living half-heartedly.

I’ve saved up enough cash to sustain myself in the near future. Thus, I’m starting to realise that any strategy to bring an income, or to stay in ‘the grid’ is a very very mediocre way of pushing away my fears and pushing away my deeper purpose. Ha!

Somehow, now that I am starting to really get in touch with this, this which I have been contemplating for years, can I really throw that away, can I not dedicate to it?!

What do you think, am I full of bullshit? Will I do it? Do I have what it takes to be a spiritual warrior?

Doing that, giving that which I feel is my calling, can take many forms. I realise that I have to begin from where I’m at now, which might mean spending another year (or several) in training. Perhaps I’ll start assisting another teacher. I can start offering my service free of charge, or e.g. yoga on donation basis. Perhaps I’ll need another twenty years of practice, learning, trial and error before I find my shape of giving. But when that day comes.. Blessed.. I am so blessed and ever grateful for the teachers I have come in touch with who have offered me this path. If nothing else, I owe it to them to devote.


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