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Hope all is fine with you.
I’m in a really good space, life touched me incredibly on Sunday and has been intensively circulating my system since then.
In the summer I mentioned a woman. At the time it was fresh, everything was perfect although I contracted because I felt I could not be intimate with other women at lvl 6 – and obviously I was too scared to ask Her.
It has been a beautiful autumn. She came here in October and i went there in November, each time getting closer.
I told her early on that I want to be with her, but that the bottom line is for her to do TNT. Anything else will not be interesting. She signed up for lvl 1, asked me if I wanted her to have any limits. She had no idea what to expect. I told her, Go for it, all in! I thought I meant it. But seeing her on Sunday, after the course… fuck that was intense!
‘What do you want to know?’ she asked. She looked perfectly calm, in some way transformed. My intuition told me that we had gotten closer, but far all I knew, perhaps she had found someone else, realised something about herself or anything, whereby I was out of the picture.
F U C K ! What do I want to know? Do I want to know? If… There was a long silence, looking into each others eyes through the skype window. Do I want to know? Yes, I want to know..
Have you had sex? I asked
What do you mean by sex? was her reply
– F U C K –
Pheew… Obviously, that was my edge. I’ve got no idea what would have happened to me, if she had said yes. Whoa…
She gave me a few of the details, which was incredibly intense, but ok with me.
We stayed online for two hours or more in the middle of the night. Long silences. Touched by life. Blessed to have her. I opening her, pushing her limits. And she opening me. Oh yes, she found the key to my heart.
Before Sunday, I always felt there is a way out, ‘other fish in the pond’. Had an issue with her being a little bit older. Now, I feel there is no alternative. All focus on her, loving the shit out of her, serving her completely. Whatever will happen will happen.
And I must pray. I must meditate. She’s incredibly hardcore. I cannot slack off, for then I will not deserve her. She is a goddess, deserving only the best, full presence and loving. But in fairness, she did tell me that she had incredible craving for me at some points; that, despite many beautiful meetings, they were pale in comparisson to her meetings with me. I know I’ve already taken her on a journey since we met and opened her in ways she couldn’t fathom eariler. The journey is now entering into a new phase. Before I could not be fully transparant about TNT. Now, it feels as if any obstacle between us can be removed; nothing is too sensitive to talk about; anything that hurts is good to bring into the light..
I saw no other alternative than to sign us both up for lvl 2, which I did straight after we hung up without consulting her. I am personally more keen on 5-4-3 but I realise that we’re two on this journey now. Lvl 2 with her will be way more challenging than 5-4-3 without her. God knows what will happen.
The day after I got cold feet and seeked contact with her to get confirmation that signing us up was the right thing to do. Contemplating it, I realised how weak my balls were that day. I should’ve trusted my intuition and firmly let her know about my intention, clearly she would’ve loved that and trusted me even more. But I’m happy at least I realised that, it was a good reflection. It will be my anti-pussywhipping practice, to be in my masculine, to be firm, but always grounded and centered in myself. And trusting my intuition.
After my month of meditation (the commitment) I halted, but it has come back to me in a new way. Meditating in the evening, but not strictly like a routine, rather out of my wish for silence. I sit for as long as I feel like. It’s helping me out a lot.
Yes. I need meditation and prayer now, more than ever.
Feeling so incredibly blessed for experiencing This. Infinate gratitude.
Thank you W, for giving me the space to share with you. Really.
Blessings to you brother,
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