November 30, 2012, 7:31 pm
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In my meditation last night, my mind wandered and I found myself sitting in front of my spiritual teacher Mad Hatter. What are you afraid of? he asked. Something bubbled up from my core: I’m afraid of setting my relations free. I keep living up to the expectations of my family and friends, especially my family. We have good relations and I’m afraid to be completely open with them, maybe I will hurt them. Maybe I will loose them. Maybe they will judge me. 

Fuck, I’m scared as hell! I’m afraid of speaking up for my truth, my core. I only do that in my safe environmnent, in the spiritual circles I have found. (Blessed am I!! Thank you lord!!) But in the everyday context, I only speak up for some of my truths – stuff on environment, some politics and a little bit of yoga (but mainly the mainstream yoga which is generally accepted by society, not the deep yoga that I’m actually into). Mainly I keep my truth to myself and honestly, most people around me don’t know me.I'm a scared fuck

Fuck those fears!! I have a gift to give and I can only give it when I open myself, when I align myself, when I allow my core (love) to guide me, setting fears aside.

My contemplation continued: What do you have to lose? Nothing. They will not judge me; they will not leave me – they love me. If they judge me they’re not worthy of me. On the contrary, if I allow fear to restrict me, I will not be able to give love.

Fuck! I’ve experienced the fear-induced closure and I’ve experienced my heart opening and the flow of love. I’m so grateful for that. Grateful for seeing these fears more clearly now. Dear lord, I pray for your help to rid me of these fears! Give me strength to disclose my true self. Amen


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